The Regular Catgirl

Okay, the long and short of my existence breakdown to a single sentence: On a crumpled, old dollar, written in blood, sealed with my soul, signed by the devil, insured by god, I shall live forever no matter what. If you need time to take it all in, do it later. I have made a deal with the Almighty and the Fallen Angel that I shall live eternally on Earth without fear of disease or old age. Sweet deal right, yeah I thought so too till Lucifer dropped the bomb on me. I will never be able to have kids, never. I will live forever, but I’ll always shoot blanks. Well, it wasn’t all that bad at first. I really had no aspiration in the sixteen hundreds; tell you the truth that has been my best idea. With this eternal life thing I can wait till I find my true calling, whatever that may be. So after the first three years of no worries of death, I started to get bored. The last major thing I remember happening before I left home to see the world, was some guy nailing a complaint on the door of a church. I think that’s what he was doing that it was a flyer for a lost dog. I never really cared. I don’t remember much either, that’s probably the reason why I never amounted to anything in the last five hundred years.  Well after the first hundred years, you start to get used to the fact that anyone you meet will eventually die. Not to sound uncaring, but I have out lived debt that way, by watching my debtor turn to dust. Well there have been my friends and family who have pasted on and that’s never easy, though I never let the felling linger. I try to move on rather quickly as to not slow down in life. Speaking of slowing down, Languages are a real bitch if you don’t know them. When I was bumming around in Europe, it wasn’t much of a problem since I could find someone who spoke English, but the minute I hit Asia problems occur. Thankfully, within the first deal I made I am granted the ability to adjust the agreement as long as the two benefactors are in accordance with it. So, I asked for the understanding of eastern languages. Bam! I get it, but the devil put a twist on it, I could only speak eastern languages. I spent five years assuming I could speak my native tongue, but when I run into a westerner, I couldn’t spit out five syllables to save my life. Well, it’s been a long time since then and I have made only a few changes to the agreement. It’s more like I’ve only changed it five time but after the first time, I wised up. Now I can speak any language, after hearing it for five minutes. There are a few more things but I’ll tell you later. Now in July of nineteen ninety-three, that was the last time I made any amendment to the agreement but it was also when I had it rewritten on a dollar. Why a dollar, you ask. Simply put it would be easy to carry, and there was sentimental reason but I can’t recall it at the moment. Oh, there is one thing I did ask for that July tenth, excitement. I felt my life need more, what’s the word? Well it needed more of it, and they said okay, though it was not immediately after I asked for would it happen. Come to think of it, they took seven year to add spice to my life. Well, I don’t mind now since the excitement came in such a sexy package. And that brings to the beautiful cat girl living in my apartment, Lauren McIlroy.
Lauren, or Laurie as I like to call her, came to me in a dream. Little did I know that dream was a result of her climbing into my apartment, then falling asleep next to me in my bed, that is sometimes not even big enough for me to sleep in.  So not only did she break into my place but she also pushed me out of my bed. And for compensation I get a nice dream, if you ask me it’s not a fair trade. The next morning I awoke to find something warm and soft next to me in my bed. I didn’t mind at first, since what I was feeling felt so smooth. That all changed when I saw the red hair. I have a thing about the Irish, don’t know why but I just don’t like’m. Then it got even more uncomfortable when I noticed the brown ear tips pop up from under that red hair. I decided not take this laying down, so I gently nudged the sleeping stranger in my room and quietly asked for them to leave. She did not wake. I got real close to one of those furry brown ears, and with all my might I yelled for her to get out of my bed and out of my apartment with great haste. I’m glad to say that she flew out of bed, literally I don’t believe she even touched the ground. That is until I heard a crash in my closet. ‘Damn it! Can’t you tell the difference between a door and a closet!’  The damn thing was starting my day off the wrong way, then I saw her peak an eye out from behind the closet door. If it weren’t for those big, disgusting, beautiful, green Irish eyes, I don’t think I would have let her stay here.  If it weren’t for those eyes, she would have been on the street before breakfast. Before I could make any real decisive action, I had to get her out of my closet which turned out to be not such an easy task. Every time I try to get her out she’d pull away from me. So I did the best thing I knew to deal with anything with fur covered ears, I left her alone till she came out on her own. I had work, therefore I couldn’t wait for her all day to leave the comfort of my bedroom closet. I went and took a shower but I when I came back to get some clothes from my closet I hesitated for a moment before I reached my hand in. As I slowly opened the door, I looked in the far corner and I saw her there shaking, scared. It gave me that guilt sickness in my stomach knowing that it was my fault that she was in that state. There wasn’t anything I could do at the moment, all there was to do was go to work and hope that she would find in her heart to forgive me. I felt like shit when I went to work that day.
While I was on my daily grind moving cars around and feeling like the worst type of scum on the face of the planet, I left the newly arrived Laurie at my place to build up some confidence to leave my closet. That day of work was just like any other; Take the cars off the truck and to the back lot. It was a one, two operation that took no brain power, which is just how I like my occupation. The only thing that even made the job bearable was my friend, Richard Kite. Funny thing about me and rich, I’ve known him since he was seven. Yeah, he’s about eighteen now, but its weird when I ran in to him eleven year later. He didn’t recognize who I was, I barely remember meeting his parents but I do remember seeing that seven year old with that white streak of hair behind the left temple. Rich had changed a lot since the last time I saw, except for that white streak of hair. Rich did car handling as a part time job; he was finishing up high school. Though he was only a senior in high school, he’d bitch about some really grown up stuff. I remember one time he said that this girl in school was going to take him to court cause she said that Rich was the father of her unborn child. Unfortunately, she lost that case and Rich received a public apology. If it were me I would have counter sued for slander, but Rich was a much nicer guy than me, that morning really proved it. When Rich and I had a break from moving vehicles, decided to get some council from the nice as to how to deal with this situation; obliviously leaving out certain details such as the ears, the tail, the fur, and any other cat like features I might later. He had a few suggestions, but the only one that I felt would work for sure in this problem was getting the thing a gift. Rich said some other bullshit about talking calmly, but a gift would solve all the problems and I get a second chance to be nicer to the girl hiding in my bedroom closet. So right after work, I ran into one of the jumbo, ‘we have everything’ marts. I got the cat eared girl some clothes, two shirts and some pants. Well being the nitwit that I am, I didn’t realize that I had no idea what size she was till after the fact. That was neither here nor there at the moment; since I was more so looking for forgiveness than if it fit her right.  I had felt like I had the perfect plan, give her the gift, she would come out of the closet, and we could get to know each other. Oh little did I know that when I would get home, that would be the last thing on my mind.
A hurricane, my apartment would have been better if a hurricane had blown through. I’m can not exaggerate how obliterated my place was looking when I got back from picking up a gift for her. As I stepped through the mess, I saw bit and piece from every other part of the apartment. Toilet paper all over the couch, my clothes in the kitchen, and two broken lamps smashed on top of each other, and I thought that everything had been touched excluding a picture but then I realized it had been shot with toothpaste. I was so infuriated, but before I could blow my top, I heard something. It was coming from my room, it was her. Probably destroying something else, I stormed to the back of my apartment. I bust open my bed room door, there was the culprit, snoring in my bed. That was the first time I realized she wasn’t wearing any clothing, I threw a blanket on her and closed the door. I would have usually been yelling and cursing but I restrained myself till after I put my apartment back in order. The whole time I was cleaning, on the inside I was cursing up a storm, I started making stuff up. It took two hours to straighten the front half of the apartment. I had to make a second trip to the store that week to replace what she had used up. After I was done it was almost eleven, the only thing I wanted to do was sit down and watch some television.
I must have fell asleep in front on the couch, cause the only thing I remember after watching the news was flying through the air. I know I was dreaming but it was so fucking real. It started out with me soaring through the air then out of nowhere a bird came and landed on my leg. It wasn’t just any old bird; it was like a falcon or something. It was huge. And it didn’t just land on my leg it; it dug its claws into the meat of my thigh. I try and shake it off but I can’t. I couldn’t move my arms or legs. Weird, I could fly but not shake this bird from off me.  Though the bird’s talon hurt like a bitch but it didn’t seem like the bird was trying to hurting me. When I woke, it had reached the most annoying part of television when it’s nothing but that annoying sound and color bars. Though I was awake, I still had pain in my leg. Guess who I find latched to my leg like an uncomfortable pillow? Yeah, it was Laurie. She must have come in after I fell asleep. She slept soundlessly, unlike the snoring I heard her making earlier. At that moment, I came to an important decision. I would let her stay with me for awhile, just until I figured out where she belonged. I looked down, and once again I realized she was still naked. I would cover her up with something as soon as I got her claws out of my legs. I started flicking at her ear. It was funny how it twitched as I poked it. She slowly started to wake up, I felt her loosen her grip on my leg. Laurie looked up at me. At first she seemed quite calm till she realized it was me. I grabbed her long brown tail, just before she was out of my reach. That didn’t go over well, she tried to claw my eyes out but I held her down. Trying to calm someone when you can’t speak there language is harder than expected, but after ten minutes of her kicking and growling, nothing. I waited, and nothing happened. Even after she had calmed down, I hadn’t come any closer to deciphering her snarls. When she had stopped making angry sounds, she began talking to me. Not in English, but wherever her native tongue was. Though most of what she said came off a list of what a cat would say, I kind of understood, you know. Then out of all that cat talk, I heard something I knew. She spoke her name clear as a bell, before and after that were still just cat speak to me.  Well now it seemed like I had a name to call my new roommate, Lauren McIlroy. Good thing too, I had almost started calling her Kat Bitch, with a K.
Well it seemed like we weren’t going to be able understand each other for awhile since neither one of us spoke the others language. With the tension as it was, I decided to make something to eat. I hadn’t eaten anything for dinner and with the mess to clean, it had slipped my mind. When I stood up from the couch, Laurie got a little defensive. Actually that bitch swung at me, and it’s not just that she tried to slap me. Laurie has human shape hands but those hands have claws that are retractable which, believe me, have nearly killed me several times. Though, I have no fear of actually dying, she does get close to nearly ripping me to shreds. Nearly dodging that first attack, I made my way to the kitchen. I put together whatever little bits I had to make something that at least resembled a meal, I usually ate out but it was late and I didn’t want to bother leaving. So as I’m preparing this sad little meal, I notice Laurie staring at me. At first, I kept thinking that she might try and slice me again but every time I look up to see if she was still watching, I noticed something. She wasn’t staring at me. She was trying to figure out what I was doing. When I started laughing her eyes shot up to my face, I guess she didn’t like to be made fun of.  I started to tease her while I made my catastrophe, though it only leads to me getting burned.  When I had finished, I made two plates of the stuff. One for me and one for Laurie, I walked over to the couch and sat the plate next to her. I took a seat in my lounge chair, and looked over to see Laurie sniffing the food. After one sniff, she pushed it away. I was like ‘hey, be grateful. You just got here; I don’t have to feed you.’ Then I had a forkful from my plate and nearly threw up. It was so disgustingly bad. I couldn’t believe that I had made it. Since dinner was ruined, I’d I just turn in for the night and figure out all the details about Laurie tomorrow. I couldn’t figure where I would put Laurie for the night, I guess the couch would be okay. I brought out some blankets and two pillows, then setup a bed on the couch. I pointed at her then at the make-shift bed and said ‘you sleep here.’ She titled her head to the side, looked at the bed then back at me. ‘Don’t even think of sneaking in to my room again, okay. Alright, sleep well’ and with that I headed towards my bedroom to get some shut eye. And would you believe, Laurie was following me. I knew she didn’t understand me but I knew she could at least understand what I was trying to get across. Just by luck, my cell phone went off. She turned around, which is the exact moment I took to hide and lock myself away in my room. I slept well that night. I had such a wonderful, it was exactly like the dream I had the night before.
In the last half a century, I have found only one true relaxation, dreaming. Ever since I received my immortality, my dreams have become more colorful, more real, and sometimes they tell the future. I recall a moment that in my dream that this woman threw boiling water on me and the very next day some broad thinks I said something about sleeping with her daughter, throws a kettle filled with boiling hot tea and nails me right in the face. I’d like to point out I said nothing about that woman’s daughter. I'm no pedophile. I said I’d like to bang her sister. And that’s how it’s been, I have a dream and the next day something that happened in my dream would happen in real life and I mean anything. And that night was no exception, but the dream was horrifying. I have seen people slaughtered, mutilated, and tortured. Never was there a moment that I had winced at any of it. I couldn’t relate. But this dream scared me shitless. I still remember it quite clearly, Laurie was being………I can’t say it. Never have and never will. That morning I woke up in a sweat, the dream was too real and too disturbing. Once I had calmed down, I found my new roommate in my sheets, again. A part of me was happy to see her, almost relieved. I climbed out of bed, and made a phone call that I never make. My supervisor was so pissed when I told him I couldn’t come in that day. It was hilarious. I stepped back into my room to see if I could get any ideas on what I might need to get beside some clothes for the naked one. I started writing out a list. This and that, of course the stuff she smashed, and some food. I got some clothes together and took a shower. While I was there, my half feline friend woke up and tried to sneak attack me. To her bad luck, I drenched her in cold water before she got the jump on me. I stepped out of the bathroom, and found her on the couch dripping wet. Her long red hair was soaked, and her ears were shaking. ‘That’s what you get’ and I threw a towel on her. After getting dressed, I came back into the den to find Laurie discovering the joy of the television. She was madly pressing the button that would change the channel, and very pleased about it. The goal for that day was to situate Laurie, bring order to my apartment, and get the girl some damn clothes. The whole walking around nude thing had lost it cuteness. It started to get old.
When The Almighty and the Prince of Darkness decided to choose how they would get excitement into my life, I would have never thought that they would send me a cat girl. I don’t believe for one second that God would ever send me a cat girl to add spice to my life. It just seems to out there ya’know, at least for God. I have seen a lot of things in my life but this goes up there with Frankenstein and his monster, though if he had brought back a young supple femme fatal to life I don’t think that many people who have been bothered. The fact that Laurie is part cat part girl, I blame exclusively on the devil. As the story was told to me: God wanted to send me some sort of companion either an animal or person. He couldn’t decide which. He was about to come to a decision , then it seems that he was pulled away by an urgent matter that needed his attention. Either he would come back after the problem or leave it in the incapatible hands of Lucifer. God chose the latter. I still have not figured out why God would do that, but I only know that he would something like this cause no matter what the Devil did, it could not possibly be that bad. So the choice of my companion was left to the devil. As usual he turned it into one of the many jokes he has played on me over the centuries. Well the truth is that the king of Assholes, Duke of bastards, and Sultan of shitfaces, has caused me much pain throughout my time. Laurie would be no exception. The Devil takes joy in watching me in agony as he makes those I care about suffer. No! He makes a game out of it. I have gotten only one shot back at the devil. Lets just say that God approved a punch to the face for the Devil. (And you wonder why my immortality is insured by God). That happened years after the last person the Devil took from me. Before I met Elizabeth, I tried to break away from all human contact so no one would suffer again. After Elizabeth, I stopped caring.  I’d stopped looking friendship. I became a loner, going from city to city getting small jobs and smaller apartments, living for a few months then moving on to the next city. For a hundred years, I lived in solitude with only going out to get what I needed which wasn’t much since basic human things I could with for weeks at a time. Those years were endless and nothing ever helped, though I really didn’t do anything to make it better. I had figured that if I made contact with the minimal amount people the Devil would not hurt them to hurt me, so I became a loner. I was in that situation for a hundred years, actually ninety. The last ten were spent in my second home. I had taken up residence in the only inn in a quaint little village. This village is where I hoped to find some solace and rejoin the world of the living. Everything had finally started to look up, after spending those last ninety years hiding away from the world that little village became a new home for me. In fact, I started quarting one of the young maidens, Elizabeth. Exactly one year after I met Elizabeth, I married her on the first of June. Six months and five days pass. I believe that some time around six in the morning,  a band of rogue came through my village and destroyed it.  Everyone, my friends, my home, and Elizabeth were all taken away from me.  I never speak about that morning, like the dream about Laurie, I can’t bring myself to relive it. I could only tell one person. My apologies.
Uh?! Sorry about that, the exposition ran bit long didn’t it. Well, where was I? Hm? Oh yeah, I needed to clothe the naked cat girl. Wing it, that’s my plan. I didn’t know enough about how to clothe a female, so I dress Laurie in shirt I had bought her which was a bit too tight, it couldn’t be helped at the moment since anything would a bit huge on her. I found some shorts that a friend left over that she could wear. I hid ears under one of my baseball caps, her tail would have to be a walking excuse a “It’s a thing she does” here and “Its cosplay” here but she was covered from head to toe. More or less. I needed help, and the list of those who could was quite short. I could call up Richard but that would have required me to explain a lot of things that I feel I don’t need to. There is an assortment of others but none who have varying degrees of loyalty but there is only one person who help without asking a single question, though I haven’t seen her in a year. She might be a little ticked. The last time I saw, I had kinda said that I loved her. Yeah and this would have been fine if she was drunk when she asked me that crazy question, but I was drunk when she asked so I spoke a sub-conscious truth which was I do love her. As a friend and maybe more but I couldn’t tell her that. She has been the best friend that I have ever had, and she live relatively close to me yet that doesn’t say much live inside the city and I on the outside.